Sarah S., Homeless In LA

I met Sarah in Los Angeles, near the Sunset strip. I was uncertain at first if she was a male or female; her blocky shape and square-ish face coupled with lifeless eyes made me wonder. When I approached her she was holding a sign that said, "No Excuses Just Need Help." I parked my car and approached her and asked her if I could take her away from her busy corner if I gave her $10 for her time to ask her some questions about her life. She hesitated and then said it was okay, but she'd have to clear it with her boyfriend first, which she did. When she returned, I told her that I was going to ask some questions, and that she did not have to respond, but if she did I wanted the whole truth. She agreed and we sat on a curb on Hollywood Boulevard and had a nice conversation for a few minutes.

What's your name?

Sarah.

Last initial?

S.

What's your age?

I'm 19.

Where is your hometown?

I was born in Portland, Oregon and I've been in San Francisco for the last three years.

Yeah.

Do you sleep outside then?

Yeah, I sleep wherever I lay my head (laughs).

And how long have you been homeless?

I've been homeless for about eight years.

Tell me about your family.

Um, my mom and dad, they got divorced when I was six. My dad was really abusive.

Abusive towards you?

No, just my mom and my brother. I started running away when I was 10 and 11 and my mom couldn't handle it so she kicked me out.

Are you in contact with them at all?

No. I haven't talked to them for three or four years.

Are they still in Oregon, do you know?

Yeah.

Are you in a situation where you could call them if you absolutely had to have some help of some kind, or are you completely separated from them?

I'm completely separated from them. Like maybe if I got my shit together and start taking responsibility, you know, and have something they can see, like I'm doing good for myself, then maybe I can have them back in my life.

What does "get your shit" together mean to you?

Just like stop playing around and stuff, like, instead of being out here on the streets and like, go back to school and get a job and stuff.

What grade level are you at?

Seventh.

You left school in seventh grade?

Yeah.

What made you run away when you were so young?

I just hanged out with older people, I guess...I wanted more responsibility I guess, thinking I could take care of myself. My family life was really chaotic. And...I also got involved in a relationship that was a lot older than me.

How much older?

I was 11 and he was 27. And um, he had a place and so, like it was ok I could go over with him.

And where is he now?

In Oregon somewhere I guess.

I'm going to ask you a question. If you don't want to answer it, you don't have to answer, just say, "I don't want to answer". But if you do answer, I need you to tell me the whole truth if you do answer it, ok?

OK.

Do you use drugs?

Yes.

Any hard drugs, like heroin -

Yeah.

Or meth?

Uh, I haven't done meth for a while. Years.

Are drugs hard to get on the street out here?

You just got to know where to go and stuff. Pretty much where there's a bunch of homeless people around...

Then there's going to be drugs there?

Probably.

What have you seen on the street that's surprised you? I mean, you've been on the street for eight years.

Actually, just like, stuff that's scared me. Stuff like that. Like, when I first came to LA. I was sleeping with my boyfriend and some guy, like, in the middle of my sleep, fuckin' started touching me and shit like that. I was really...that really scared me.

I would imagine. What happened to that guy?

My boyfriend chased after him and, like I had to get my boyfriend ‘cause he was going to kill him or something. (Pause) And, like, pretty much you've seen it - I've seen guns, I've seen people OD...I've never seen anybody get murdered or anything like that, but I've seen people get hurt really bad though. And it's like - I can't believe someone could just do that out of... just do that.

Do you feel like you're going to be able, Sarah, at some point, to get off the street? Is that something that you want to do eventually?

Yeah, it's something I want to do. And like, right now I'm going through a hard situation cause I'm, uh, on Prop 36 and Prop 36 here in LA is for drug offenders and it's a program for them to get their shit together, and you're on probation and shit like that. And it's really hard for me ‘cause I want to give up the drugs and stuff like that, but my boyfriend's doing it, it's around me. Like, this is the chance for me to get my shit together and I'm having a hard time with it ‘cause I'm not used to it.

So do you feel like you're in a situation where you're suffering from withdrawals right now, or are you not even able to stop long enough to get withdrawals?

(Chuckles) I go through withdrawals but I can't, like...‘cause it's around me all the time, so it's like, I don't have to go through withdrawals. And it's like, I'm going through a hard time ‘cause it's like, my mind right now it's just like, I'll just run from it and... but then the other part of me is like, I know it's going to catch up to me and I only get two, three times on this program and then I go to prison and that's like, something I'm not going for.

What's Prop 36? Is that, like a "three strikes you're out" kind of thing?

Yeah.

Is that motivating you at all? Is that motivating you to want to get clean?

Yeah, yeah it does, and it's also motivating my boyfriend, too, to, like, get on methadone.

Is he on methadone?

Not yet. Here they charge for methadone; in San Francisco it's free.

I see. So, do you think you'll get on it at some point?

I hope so.

So that's what you'd like to do then - get on methadone and try to get off heroin then?

Yeah. And that's one thing right now that me and my boyfriend are talking about - is that, we go to San Francisco. And, I know if I go to San Francisco I'm going to have a warrant out for my arrest, but I get three turns, you know? And my boyfriend will be back in San Francisco where he's from and be able to get on his methadone and be able to get a job and shit. And he said that... ‘cause we're engaged... that, he'll be able to get things going for us. So when I get done with my program and stuff, that, we'll have a life and stuff. So...

That's good! That's a plan, right?

Yeah (brightens). It's just really hard when, like, all I know is, like, wake up in the morning, lookin' for my hit, or food, like, kind of like my routine is. And then unexpected stuff like, well, if I don't do anything today what's gonna happen tomorrow? Like, when I go see my P.O. (parole officer), what kind of stuff is he gonna tell me I have to go do, or what new program am I gonna do and stuff like that.

Her boyfriend, a rather handsome red-haired man in his early 20's, approaches and hands her a new sign identical to her old one.

Here's your boyfriend now. How's it, man? My name's Eric!

My name's Mitch. (We shake hands. It looks like he's trying to size me up a bit, maybe trying to ascertain what I'm really doing here.)

Nice to meet you, Mitch.

You too. (He smiles pleasantly and, seemingly satisfied, walks away)

A new sign!

It's nice (smile). Yeah, that old one was lookin' pretty bad.

So, as I explained, I am going to put this interview online. Is there anything you would tell people - is there any advice you could give the world, anyone that's going to read this interview, what would you say?

(Looks confused).

Let me rephrase that.

(Chuckles).

What would you tell an 11 year old girl? If you could look back and talk to yourself as an 11 year old girl, what would you say?

Hmm...(long pause). Just that, your parents are just lookin' out for you and you might think you know everything, and you might be more responsible than your parents or your family, but you need your family. And once you go one the streets it's really hard to get your stuff together. Like, there's people that have been out here for years and their chances are all gone, done, because they don't have any programs for people that are over a certain age.

You mentioned that an eleven-year old can be more responsible than their parents; was that the case for you when you ran?

Yeah.

How were they that irresponsible?

It was just like, my mom... I have a brother and my mom put a lot of responsibility on me to take care of my brother. I mean, we were only 15 months apart but still, like, I had to make sure he went to school, I had to make sure he ate, I made dinner and stuff like that. I had to like, clean my own room and help him clean his room and it was because my mom would be like, "he is the only boy in four generations, he needs to be spoiled". And there was a lot of abuse ‘cause, my brother and I would fight and so I would get in trouble with my mom and she would like, take it all out on me and not my brother. My mom was physically abusive to me and, like, sexually abusive a little bit.

Your mom?

It was more like, I don't know like, sadistic kinds of stuff.

That sounds pretty horrific for a little girl to go through. Was your dad abusive?

No, he wasn't, not to me. (Goes back to the previous question) Yeah...well...I don't know if it was really sexually abusive, like, she would take clothes pins, right? And, like, she'd stick them all over my body and stuff. And like, my mom, she'd have porn stuff all over the computers and shit like that and guys comin' over all the time.

Sounds pretty tough.

I guess I grew up around sex at a young age and maybe that's what made me run away. Because when I was with that guy I was like, "I'm in love", you know.

Yeah. Well, thanks for your candor, Sarah. Thanks for being so honest about your life.

That's cool.

Maybe it will help someone who'll read it.

Yeah, I've maybe given them an eye opener about what's happening out here and stuff.

You know, I've been dong this a few years and I've heard some hard stories and yours is one of them. I think you can pull out, though.

Thank you. That's nice to hear. All my P.O. tells me is that I'll never make it, so it's, like, nice to hear someone say that.